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Girls Are Silly

June 13th, 2002

Ladies, ladies. Why so naïve?

Wait one second before you get your panties all twisted. I love all of you. The way you smell, the way you bat your eyes, the way you talk, the whole package makes me want to fall to my knees and thank the big HORNBELL in the sky for creating something that sways so spectacularly when it walks.

Making the story I’m about to relate to you all the more mystifying, is the fact that our protagonist happens to be beautiful, intelligent, and charismatic. She is my favorite oxy moron: Hot and Cool.

Story: Our protagonist works at a restaurant and has a regular customer who is male, between the ages of 14-75, is over 4 feet tall, and weighs in somewhere in the neighborhood of 100-320 pounds. And he’s got some coin. Since they see each other fairly regularly, and it’s kind of her job to be friendly, maybe even flirt a little, they become cordial to one another. One night our rich bachelor asks our protagonist if her and her friend would like to join him at a club later in the evening. She agrees and because he’s such a nice guy he sends a LIMO to pick them up and doesn’t let them spend a dime for the rest of the night.

“So did you put out?” asks my roommate, who interestingly enough has an interview at Buckingham palace because of his high level of tact.

“Noooooooo!!!” says our protagonist, “He totally wasn’t like that at all.”

Laughter erupts.

“He’s just rich and likes to have a good time” she begins lying to herself even, sad, “Rich people are different.”

Yeah, they’re much much worse. Lord knows when I’m rich (should be sometime next month. I’ll keep all you lingerie models who are reading this right now posted), I’m going to be throwing money at girls who are ten years younger too.

The conversation continued on like this for several more minutes with both sides refusing to budge. Finally the conversation was dropped and we all went out for a few drinks. While at this cozy little “hideaway,” our protagonist saw her Disney-like non-sexual friend and ran over to give him a hug.

The second I saw him I knew this guy was slimier than that tubby green goblin in Ghostbusters. From his first words (“Hey baby girl”) to his last (“Ciao”) this guy was pouring on the sleaze. We knew it and our protagonist knew it…finally. Being the classy individual you have all come to know and love, I didn’t gloat. Unless you call pointing and laughing at her gloating. HAhAHHAHAHAHa, evil.

man servant hecubus

CLARK

Rick::

As a male human, I totally agree with you. I’m shallow and I only want one thing. Just like every other guy in the world.

Sleazy Sarah::

Clark, you know you wish you had your own tits.

Sleazy Sarah's Frisky Friend Frieda::

exactly sarah, he’s be putting out for all the Ghostbusters.

Jonny Ross::

Where am I?

Mr. P::

So when you get all rich and stuff, you’re going to buy lingerie models for all your friends too, right?

Clark::

Who needs friends when you’re rich? My house, cars, and trophy wife are going to keep me warm. Oh yeah, and all the big piles of money!!!! HAHAHAHAHaHA evil.

Rita::

Clark, when you’re rich, can you pretend that I’m ten years younger and a langerie model, and throw money at me???

Sky::

Clark, you’re so superficial! The priority of values in this culture ties my aura in knots. Clark maybe you and I should meet tonight and discuss the importance of something more natural…love. Maybe, if you’re close enough, we could meet at The Juke Box Jive. Bring a candle.

Kelly Kapowski::

Clark, I think it’s obvious that this faux latino stallion just wants to talk with your friend. He wants to share his hopes and dreams; his desires and fears. If he has to throw around a little money and cheezy pet names in order to do so, then so be it. Why tomorrow, one such friendly gentleman has offered me a ride on his red crotch rocket so we can discuss our feelings. He thinks I’m beautiful on the inside. Why don’t other guys understand this??

Hasbro::

I don’t mean to change the subject, but Kelly are you and Zach gonna do it soon or what? I been waiting years to see this. Get the goods out already….

Butterfly::

I’m the protagonist and this is bull shit. BOys are silly. YOu are a slimy goblin from ghostbusters!!

Clark::

Butterfly–No you are.

Austin::

Clark……..Shut up. You are a dumbass and you shouldn’t be allowed to write anything….ever.

Clark::

Austin: Seriously? That’s the best you can do??? First you started in with the "yo mama" jokes and you’ve moved all the way to things as imaginative as "shut-up." It must be tough thinking up creative insults living in that barn with all your farm-animal girlfriends.